You may have just become a main carer yourself and might be overwhelmed about where to start as so much is expected of you. It can be hard to accept help from well-meaning but inexperienced friends and neighbours. A certain awkwardness emerges as one does not always know how to ask or advise which kind of assistance would make a difference.
The secret to finding the best way in being able to receive the help that could lighten the load lies in being able to delegate. Try to find roles that even the least experienced “helper” feels capable of doing: a 15 year old can make everyone a cuppa, if shown properly where things are kept, which mugs to use, where to wash up, etc. Even the 15 year old will feel included and valued as having a purpose and rather than being shooed away, is innocently and gently eased into the harsh realities of the world of caring. It is a small task, perhaps starting clumsily, but I can assure you, as this disease progresses, the aging 15 year old will become a catering pro before they even realise it!
The other thing that I find very valuable is enabling the assistant to do how much or little as they can/want in their own time. Even a person in a hurry can drop off a much needed bottle of milk on their way home from work, sometime or other. A certain come and go flexibility might necessitate a house key. A message left on the kitchen table notepad could state “Walked Jess from 10 to 11:15 – she performed both jobs”. Will probably come a little earlier tomorrow. Love, John”. Such a mere message delivers three bits of important information: the dog got walked for a good length of time and you may not need to worry about any further toilet needs; your friend is coming back and thereby you have a lifeline to the outside world, looking forward to seeing him or not tomorrow and someone on the outside can keep an eye out for you.
Whether you are in or not, if Paul or Agnes feel they can just drop by and mow your small lawn once in a while, weed the garden, sweep the driveway, they’ll more gladly do it.
Whereas those who volunteer their time or skill, probably do so out more out of compassion than anything else. The care given can be so draining and disruptive to your life that the choice to help is often a well thought out commitment. As long as nobody feels taken for granted, then all is well. But, how does one thank someone who is prepared to be so dedicated? Perhaps by understanding the personality of the assistant. A box of chocolates, a bunch of flowers, a bottle of wine, a card on one’s birthday, beautiful books, tickets to a show, an invitation to a family event, a book/equipment for the assistant’s favourite hobby (gardening tools), gift vouchers, a subscription to a magazine, membership to the National Trust, an Easter Egg and the list is endless. To merely be referred to in conversation to someone else is rewarding: “Annie did a splendid job weeding the front garden” goes a long way too.
I find that it is more helpful to hand cash over before asking your friend to pick up something from the dry cleaner or do a food shop or buy stamps – not everybody has enough money to lay out even though they are quite prepared to help with the errand.
To try and break down options I am listing suggestions of help according to the helper’s experience, ability and desired degree of involvement:
For the Inexperienced Helper: (hereby assisting the Carer directly)
Make tea for everyone, dig into the fridge and make sandwiches, peel potatoes…
Offer to take the dog for a long walk, to the vet, groom the dog..
Pick up prescriptions, equipment, dry cleaning, book from the library… Deposit a cheque into the bank…
Come over with a DVD to watch together or not
Bring over a cooked meal to eat together or just to put in the fridge (even if paid for by family)
Take the Carer’s children out for the afternoon, swimming, walk, help with homework, school runs, birthday parties….
Garden tasks: dead-heading, pruning, mowing the lawn, planting new pots, applying fertiliser, chopping wood
Water indoor plants,
Wash the car/cleaning it inside
Lay the table for the family’s dinner
Change bed sheets
Put on a wash, fold laundry, iron
Plump the cushions in the living room
Do some secretarial work, help with computer skills
For the more Confident Helper: (helping both Sufferer and Carer, thus enabling the Carer to have a tiny break, sleep, tend to other pressing needs)
Keep the ADS (AD sufferer) company whilst chatting and mending and sewing on buttons
Help feed the ADS
Help the ADS to the bathroom/ getting dressed
Take ADS for a little stroll / go the shops or medical appointments / sit and read / watch television together, sing songs, paint, bake
Wash the ADS’s hair, give a manicure
Be a general dogsbody for the day/afternoon, however long.
Dispense medication
For the more experienced/able Helper:
Deal with incontinence/bathroom needs
Deal with hygiene: bath/shower, hair wash, shave, brushing of teeth, lavatory
Deal with soiled laundry
Get up for the day / prepare for bedtime
Do the night time shift/Help with night time care
Stay over and take full charge
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